Threenager

The “Terrible Twos” are toddler propaganda. Don’t believe the lies. You are led to believe that two is terrible, then they turn three.

I wrote previously in “Hello Terrible Twos” that two year olds want exactly what they want, when they want it. Everything has to be done just so. Everything has to be in the right place at the right time and done the right way. They go back and forth endlessly between two extremes. Which is very true of a typical two-year old. Little did I know that a threenager will take it to a whole new level.

Threenager behavior – every car in the right place and done the right way

What is a threenager you ask? Did you even know that term existed?! The threenager is that age when your three year old continually acts like a teenager. They have attitude for miles, a stubborn streak, and want what they want… when they want. Three is two with intent. It’s the difference between manslaughter and homicide.

Threenager. Total nutbag. Effin’ threes.

Last week Walt and I traded in our sweet little terrible two year old for a threenager. I don’t remember signing that paperwork.

Bedtime used to be fun. But last week?! Last week, bedtime was invaded by the threenager. It all started some what normal, splashing in the bath tub, running around the house naked, mommy chasing after the nakedness, bed time stories. You know, normal. Until I actually tucked him in bed.

Lucas: “I want a hug.”
Me: I bend down to give a hug and instead I get swatted and a “I don’t want a hug.” I walk towards the door.
Lucas: “I want a HUG!!!!!!” The threenager is starting to rear it’s ugly head.
Me: In my sweetest Mommy voice, “But Lucas you just told me that you didn’t want a hug.”
Lucas: Sniffles, “I want a hug.”
Me: I bend down to give a hug and instead I get swatted and a “I don’t want a hug.” I walk towards the door.
Lucas: “I WANT A HUG!!!!!!” The threenager is here.
Me: With a a little irritation in my voice, “Lucas I came to give you  hug and you said you didn’t want one. It’s time to go night night.” I leave and close the door.
Threenager: “MOMMY!!!!!!  I WAAAAAANT A HUUUGGGGG!!!!” screaming at the top of his lungs the threenager opens his bedroom door and runs down the hall with flames shooting out of his nostrils.
Me: “Lucas it is time to go night night! I’ve tried to give you a hug, but every time I do you tell me no!!!”

It is even possible for the threenager to understand what you’re saying at this point?

I equate this new bedtime routine to like being close to the end of a long race. I’ve been running all. day. long. The finish line is in sight. I’m just a few steps from it!

But then the threenager appears and instead of crossing the finish line, I’m still running and getting nowhere. I’m exhausted and I’m supposed to be done, but the finish line continues to be just out of reach.

The threenager starts throwing crap at me. And he screams at me. And then he’s all like, “DANCE, MONKEY DANCE. GIVE ME A HUG. GIVE ME A KISS. I HAVE TO POTTY. I DON’T WANT A HUG. I WANT A CAR. I HAVE TO POTTY. NO NOT THAT CAR. I HAVE TO POTTY. READ ME ONE MORE STORY. I HAVE TO POTTY. I NEED MONSTER TRUCK. I WANT SOME WATER. I HAVE TO POTTY.”

And then after an hour and 45 minutes the threenager gives up. He waves the white flag. I finally cross the finish line, drink three bottles of wine and pass out.

Effin’ threes.

A few days later I was telling this story to a very smart and dear friend of mine and she said, “Watch him when he sleeps.” I did. She was right. I fell in love with that threenager all over again.


10 thoughts on “Threenager

  1. Leah Ann – Luv the story! And, let me add, it’s all about experience…and once you finally get it, you’ll absolutely have no reason for it. The kiddos grow up despite us. Claudia

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  2. Are you talking about the adorable Lucas who spent Saturday night and Sunday with Mimi?
    He went right to bed. He needs to give you and Walt a break. Loved your post.

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  3. This is the best story yet! What a perfect description of what he’s doing. I witnessed it myself last night. Makes me glad you and David are grown! LOL!! Love you and that little threenager. Love, Momma

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